2018 already! It's hard to believe that I started this blog for myself two years ago. I've been pretty distant for the last year, but I blame that on Stelly girl. She was the best distraction life could have thrown at me.
I'd like to make more time for blogging, especially since this year I want to focus more on creating. I've had a lot of ideas in my head of what I'd like to do more of and how I should fill my time. I'm tired of being a task master to myself. Goal lists and productivity are always going to be a big part of me and my personality, but I'm not sure how much joy that brings my life. I spend a lot of time trying to rush through the tasks I need to accomplish so I can do something I enjoy. Often times, I spend so much time "tasking" that I never really get to the things that I enjoy that I would consider life giving activities. All that being said, I've decided that my word for this year is going to be CREATE. I like that it is general and leaves it open for me to do a lot of creating in different categories. This word just popped in my head while I was driving. Everyone was starting to announce their words for the year, and I couldn't think of one. I was determined not to pressure myself into one, because I just wanted to see if one came to my mind and settled in. And like that....the word Create popped in my head. I've had a lot of thoughts on this going through my head recently. I've been obsessed with the podcast, How I Built This, that is on NPR. I am SO INTRIGUED by the stories of people building companies and products from the ground up. It inspires me every time I listen to create and keep learning. I can't get enough. I also started reading A Million Little Ways by Emily P. Freeman, my author spirit animal. ALL THE THOUGHTS ABOUT ALL THE ROLES AND CREATING AND ART. I'm not even sure I'm ready to try and put what I'm learning into words. I just know that the worlds of podcasts and books are colliding and exploding in my head.
All that being said
The areas I want to spend more time are:
*Baking- I've found that I enjoy baking way more than I used to. In a way, I think it's a really good way to practice mindfulness. Shutting off everything else going on in my head and focusing on a recipe. I'd love to get particularly better in the cookie and cookie decorating department.
*Cooking-A lot of times I do fast and easy recipes out of survival. I really want to try my hand at some more complicated or different recipes this year.
*Writing- I haven't been blogging much at all. Mainly because the only time I had was at night and I'm usually wiped in the evenings. Cora and Stella have been napping at the same time, which has given me an open time slot to start writing more. I feel like I always have ideas floating around in my head and I think, I want to write that down. I'm going to start writing it down more.
*House Projects- This will probably be the category I do the least with, because I don't want to spend a lot of money. I really want to challenge myself to use what I have in new ways though and finish a few projects that are almost done and inexpensive.
If something else comes to me, I'll add that to my list of creating. Like I said, I don't want to put myself in a box. I just want to spend more time creating and doing what I enjoy...
EVEN IF IT TAKES ALL OF NAP TIME AND I GET NOTHING ELSE DONE.
I think I've spent a lot of my stay at home mom life guilting myself into performing as many tasks as possible to make it "worth" me staying at home. After 4 years of this, I'm realizing just how wrong this thinking has been. I don't want to be wasteful or lazy or not thankful for the time that I've had home, but I also don't think that I need to prove through tasks that me staying at home is worth it. My husband and my kids are the most important work I have...not the millions of things I'm pressuring myself to do. I'm finding that when I give myself the opportunity to do something that I love or time to create, I can still be productive, it may just take me a little longer.I also think it helps me to not feel so short tempered or flying off the handle because I've had no break to rest my mind all day. I'm a better mom and wife.
Finally, and most importantly, I'd like to try and get through the Bible in the year. I've had good months of this and bad months too. I'm resolved not to be too legalistic with myself, but I'd like to remain as faithful as possible. I bought myself Praying through the Bible for your Kids by Nancy Guthrie and she uses the one year Bible plan alongside of that. I'm loving it. It's new and fresh to me and really motivating me to stick with my reading plan. Her blurbs and prayers that she does alongside the Bible reading are heartfelt and deep. I've decided that reading that always comes first during nap time. By making it a priority, I've been way more faithful to it than other times I've tried.
Lots of thoughts on this new year and I'm so excited to see what creations this year brings.
Thursday, January 4, 2018
Tuesday, October 17, 2017
Lessons from a Lifeguard
We took a trip this summer to Myrtle Beach with my in laws. We made a lot of memories and had so much fun. This trip was perfect for me, because it gave me more time than usual to think. Both of our girls napped during the afternoon and it was the perfect time to unplug, read and introvert...exactly what my soul needs. I'm cracking up because this post isn't about what we did or a fun memory I have from the trip. This post is actually about a lesson I learned from watching a lifeguard WORK HARD every day, and I can't get this lesson out of my head.
Our ocean front hotel was lovely and had a beautiful view. You could hear and see the waves when you were on the balcony. One thing that struck me each morning was the duties of this lifeguard that was on our stretch of the beach. I'm really pretty ignorant when it comes to the topic of lifeguarding--I'm not even a great swimmer. I listened to a This American Life podcast episode about how intense it is to become a lifeguard in some cities. I knew they sat in a chair and made sure nobody drowned, got hurt or drifted too far.
One of the first days we were there, It made me laugh, because I watched the lifeguard arrive and I saw him stretching. I thought, really? Stretching before he goes and sits in the chair all day? BUT, I just did not realize HOW MUCH WORK it was to lifeguard! (At least for where we were staying.) Every morning the lifeguard arrived first thing in the morning. I would say between 7-8. He opened this big wooden chest and began to unload around 30 heavy chairs and umbrellas to set up the beach. After he unloaded, he used a tool to dig a hole for the umbrella so that he could stick them in the ground and put up the umbrella. This tool did not really make the work look easier. After that, he lifted and carried the heavy wooden chairs over to each umbrella. At this point, people are starting to arrive. He now has his trusty fanny pack on to start collecting money from the customers who are willing (us being one of them) to pay for the shade and the comfort of the beach chairs. He's also kind of watching the water now, because crazy people like us who have tiny humans, are out there at the crack of dawn letting their kids swim. Now the waves are really picking up and coming in strong. He's really watching now. People start drifting too far...currents and rip tides are coming in strong...he's pacing up and down the beach watching and whistling. I've barely seen him sit and it's almost lunch time. This is the point of the story where I'm upstairs with my girls while they nap and I'm thinking about all of this. This life guarding gig is hard work. So now the girls are up. Evening comes. His time on the beach is done for today. He collects more money. Whistles and yells at a few more people. Now it's time to put away the 30 heavy chairs and umbrellas and put them back in the big wooden chest. He leaves and does this again day after day.
What struck me about this? Why was this meaningful to me? To be honest, I don't even think I knew when I started writing this post. To try and figure this out, I started by thinking of words that described this lifeguard.
I've always LOVED this verse because of it's intensity. It's focused... Almost ruthless. Am I focused, intense and unrelenting in my spiritual life? Do I wake up in the morning ready to work hard and continue as the day goes on? I don't want to downplay rest or grace in this post, but I think that even being focused, intense and unrelenting about rest and grace is important too!
I'm not sure why all of this stood out to me, but what I do know is that it is October and I was still thinking about it, so it had some meaning and importance to me and I needed to get it out there. Funny how God uses these strange experiences in our lives to teach us. I'm thankful.
Our ocean front hotel was lovely and had a beautiful view. You could hear and see the waves when you were on the balcony. One thing that struck me each morning was the duties of this lifeguard that was on our stretch of the beach. I'm really pretty ignorant when it comes to the topic of lifeguarding--I'm not even a great swimmer. I listened to a This American Life podcast episode about how intense it is to become a lifeguard in some cities. I knew they sat in a chair and made sure nobody drowned, got hurt or drifted too far.
One of the first days we were there, It made me laugh, because I watched the lifeguard arrive and I saw him stretching. I thought, really? Stretching before he goes and sits in the chair all day? BUT, I just did not realize HOW MUCH WORK it was to lifeguard! (At least for where we were staying.) Every morning the lifeguard arrived first thing in the morning. I would say between 7-8. He opened this big wooden chest and began to unload around 30 heavy chairs and umbrellas to set up the beach. After he unloaded, he used a tool to dig a hole for the umbrella so that he could stick them in the ground and put up the umbrella. This tool did not really make the work look easier. After that, he lifted and carried the heavy wooden chairs over to each umbrella. At this point, people are starting to arrive. He now has his trusty fanny pack on to start collecting money from the customers who are willing (us being one of them) to pay for the shade and the comfort of the beach chairs. He's also kind of watching the water now, because crazy people like us who have tiny humans, are out there at the crack of dawn letting their kids swim. Now the waves are really picking up and coming in strong. He's really watching now. People start drifting too far...currents and rip tides are coming in strong...he's pacing up and down the beach watching and whistling. I've barely seen him sit and it's almost lunch time. This is the point of the story where I'm upstairs with my girls while they nap and I'm thinking about all of this. This life guarding gig is hard work. So now the girls are up. Evening comes. His time on the beach is done for today. He collects more money. Whistles and yells at a few more people. Now it's time to put away the 30 heavy chairs and umbrellas and put them back in the big wooden chest. He leaves and does this again day after day.
What struck me about this? Why was this meaningful to me? To be honest, I don't even think I knew when I started writing this post. To try and figure this out, I started by thinking of words that described this lifeguard.
hard working, focused, intense, unrelenting
After I thought of those words, the first verse that came to my mind about all of this is:
1 Corinthians 9:26-27
"Therefore I do not run like someone running aimlessly; I do not fight like a boxer beating the air. No, I strike a blow to my body and make it my slave so that after I have preached to others, I myself will not be disqualified for the prize."
I've always LOVED this verse because of it's intensity. It's focused... Almost ruthless. Am I focused, intense and unrelenting in my spiritual life? Do I wake up in the morning ready to work hard and continue as the day goes on? I don't want to downplay rest or grace in this post, but I think that even being focused, intense and unrelenting about rest and grace is important too!
I'm not sure why all of this stood out to me, but what I do know is that it is October and I was still thinking about it, so it had some meaning and importance to me and I needed to get it out there. Funny how God uses these strange experiences in our lives to teach us. I'm thankful.
Monday, April 4, 2016
Changing is Hard
Instead of writing a few different book reviews, I decided to just combine them in this one post because all of these books shared a similar message. Over the past few weeks I've read:
1. Changed Into His Image by Jim Berg
2. The Wisdom of God by Nancy Guthrie
3. Simply Tuesday by Emily P. Freeman
4. Hands Free Life by Rachel Macy Stafford
5. Hands Free Mama by Rachel Macy Stafford (1/2 bc my library book ran out...also this was very similar to her other book, Hands Free Life.)
6. It's Not What You Think by Jefferson Bethke
All of these books have very different authors with different messages, but because my mind is in one place right now, I felt like they all came together.
Here are a few short take-aways:
1. Small Moment Living is necessary and good. It allows you to breathe and enjoy life and not feel burdened by all the things "you think you have to do."
2. Resting in Jesus is necessary and hard. My flesh battles and wants to take control, but Jesus is the ultimate wisdom and in him we find rest for when we are weary and burdened.
3. Life is short. Put down the phone. Put down the swiffer. Put down the windex. Enjoy your family. Be ALL THERE. Watch. Learn. Pray.
It's been eye opening to me how I've learned my problem with worry and control is connected so much with faith and small moment living. In a way, these books have broken me. They have made me question how I've lived. They've messed with me in a way that SO NEEDED TO HAPPEN. I've spent so much of my life TRYING to control and worrying about what will happen and what has happened. In fact, I just wrote about that in February. I've been a slave to those feelings and thoughts.
As I mentioned in a previous post....First, God showed me through his word how critical it was to switch my thoughts and feelings with his thoughts and feelings (Psalm 43:3-4, Psalm 51:6). Then I started to see how this began to change my trust in him. Because he was helping discipline my mind with all of him, less of me, began to replay in my head. I began to realize that many of the small and big things I worried about were me trying to take control of a situation. Worry was a symptom of my pride (control) and lack of faith. God opened my eyes to all the crazy ways I tried to take control.
-Replaying situations in my head and trying to figure out how I could have handled it better.
-How I could change someone.
-Obsessing with how my house appeared. Spending too much time doing things that didn't matter.
-Being unsatisfied when I didn't handle things perfectly.
-Manipulating prayers so that the outcomes would be in my favor. (Yeah...not fun admitting that one)
-RUSHING through life and not stopping and smelling the roses
These books helped me to specifically see ways I wasn't living correctly and gave strategies for how to correct these ways. Ultimately, the Bible is the ultimate source of truth, but I felt like God used these other books in a big way to give me perspective from other people who struggled too.
All that to say, changing is so hard. There are days I want to rush, I want to worry, I want to control, I want to obsess and I want to live in a way I've lived for 28 years. I feel like I'm battling for this change, and I'm trying to see that battle as progress, especially since there was no battle, even a few months ago. In the moments I do fail, I'm trying to thank God for helping me to be aware, because as Rachel Macy Stafford says, "The truth hurts, but the truth heals." Every time I recognize another way to change, it heals me, it brings me closer to Christ and ultimately closer to Phil and Cora.
Although change is hard, I'm also recognizing peace replacing impatience, anger, worry, discontentment and suffering. Things come up and instead of freaking out and trying to take control, I'm stopping and resting. I'm praying more. I'm not as scared all the time. God keeps pouring all this Scripture out to me about his control and his plan and his way and it's starting to sink in. I've fought for a long time, but now I'm surrendering. So I guess I shouldn't say I'm battling for change...I guess I'm surrendering for change? I'm not sure if that makes sense, but it does in this moment. I'm not perfect in this endeavor and most days, I fail a lot. But praise God that he turns "our striving's into works of grace."
Psalm 1:3
"He is like a tree planted by streams of water that yields its fruit in its season, and its leaf does not wither."
1. Changed Into His Image by Jim Berg
2. The Wisdom of God by Nancy Guthrie
3. Simply Tuesday by Emily P. Freeman
4. Hands Free Life by Rachel Macy Stafford
5. Hands Free Mama by Rachel Macy Stafford (1/2 bc my library book ran out...also this was very similar to her other book, Hands Free Life.)
6. It's Not What You Think by Jefferson Bethke
All of these books have very different authors with different messages, but because my mind is in one place right now, I felt like they all came together.
Here are a few short take-aways:
1. Small Moment Living is necessary and good. It allows you to breathe and enjoy life and not feel burdened by all the things "you think you have to do."
2. Resting in Jesus is necessary and hard. My flesh battles and wants to take control, but Jesus is the ultimate wisdom and in him we find rest for when we are weary and burdened.
3. Life is short. Put down the phone. Put down the swiffer. Put down the windex. Enjoy your family. Be ALL THERE. Watch. Learn. Pray.
It's been eye opening to me how I've learned my problem with worry and control is connected so much with faith and small moment living. In a way, these books have broken me. They have made me question how I've lived. They've messed with me in a way that SO NEEDED TO HAPPEN. I've spent so much of my life TRYING to control and worrying about what will happen and what has happened. In fact, I just wrote about that in February. I've been a slave to those feelings and thoughts.
As I mentioned in a previous post....First, God showed me through his word how critical it was to switch my thoughts and feelings with his thoughts and feelings (Psalm 43:3-4, Psalm 51:6). Then I started to see how this began to change my trust in him. Because he was helping discipline my mind with all of him, less of me, began to replay in my head. I began to realize that many of the small and big things I worried about were me trying to take control of a situation. Worry was a symptom of my pride (control) and lack of faith. God opened my eyes to all the crazy ways I tried to take control.
-Replaying situations in my head and trying to figure out how I could have handled it better.
-How I could change someone.
-Obsessing with how my house appeared. Spending too much time doing things that didn't matter.
-Being unsatisfied when I didn't handle things perfectly.
-Manipulating prayers so that the outcomes would be in my favor. (Yeah...not fun admitting that one)
-RUSHING through life and not stopping and smelling the roses
These books helped me to specifically see ways I wasn't living correctly and gave strategies for how to correct these ways. Ultimately, the Bible is the ultimate source of truth, but I felt like God used these other books in a big way to give me perspective from other people who struggled too.
All that to say, changing is so hard. There are days I want to rush, I want to worry, I want to control, I want to obsess and I want to live in a way I've lived for 28 years. I feel like I'm battling for this change, and I'm trying to see that battle as progress, especially since there was no battle, even a few months ago. In the moments I do fail, I'm trying to thank God for helping me to be aware, because as Rachel Macy Stafford says, "The truth hurts, but the truth heals." Every time I recognize another way to change, it heals me, it brings me closer to Christ and ultimately closer to Phil and Cora.
Although change is hard, I'm also recognizing peace replacing impatience, anger, worry, discontentment and suffering. Things come up and instead of freaking out and trying to take control, I'm stopping and resting. I'm praying more. I'm not as scared all the time. God keeps pouring all this Scripture out to me about his control and his plan and his way and it's starting to sink in. I've fought for a long time, but now I'm surrendering. So I guess I shouldn't say I'm battling for change...I guess I'm surrendering for change? I'm not sure if that makes sense, but it does in this moment. I'm not perfect in this endeavor and most days, I fail a lot. But praise God that he turns "our striving's into works of grace."
Psalm 1:3
"He is like a tree planted by streams of water that yields its fruit in its season, and its leaf does not wither."
Monday, March 14, 2016
Changing and Growing in Spring
Spring has come early to Michigan. This whole winter has been warm and wonderful compared to the two former winters where we got pounded with snow. Because it's warmer, we've been able to get outside more. The birds are chirping and the bugs are clearly heard now. Little patches of grass are greening up and buds are forming on the tree. I think they don't know that it's only March. It's fun watching things growing and changing, especially my little Cora. I forgot how much Cora loves being outside, and it's been sweet to watch her get out and play. I'm already noticing a lot of differences in her compared to last spring/summer. A lot of her personality is the same Cora I've know since she was a tiny baby, but now it's coming out more in the her little conversations and her decisions. It comes out when she laughs at things she thinks are funny and when she looks or studies something she is curious about or trying to figure out. It's also comes out in her interests and in her hobbies. Cora is still active and determined, qualities that will be her greatest strengths and greatest weaknesses at times too. She loves running and moving and rarely sits to do anything except watch a "show." I think that's why she loves being outside--lots of fresh air and space to run and be loud. I know there will be times that require Cora to be still and focused, but for now, I let her run and play as much as she can, because these days go quick. In the mean time, we practice being still and focused while we read books and pray to Jesus.
Cora's determination never ceases to amaze me. Often time she gets a "plan" in her head of what she wants to accomplish and does everything in her power to carry it out. For example, she wanted the tarp off of her playground in our backyard and managed to get half of it off herself. The only thing she was unable to do is LIFT the playground and UNTIE the ropes, she did manage to pull the loose parts free and made it much easier for me. She worked on this for about 15 minutes, which is a long time for an ACTIVE 2 year old to do anything. It was such a small moment, but I felt like it was a glimpse of a future driven Cora doing everything she could to accomplish her goals. With determination, though, comes a strong will at times...determined to have her way. I relate to her SO much in this way. This part of Cora is something I see in myself... Something I still struggle with. So with Cora, I think it will be a balance of letting her make and carry out her goals while obeying Mom and Dad (and Jesus).
Finally, I'm seeing a sweet and delicate side of Cora that is all girl and so much fun. Cora has always been sensitive, but usually if she felt embarrassed or if she got in trouble. Now I am seeing her sensitivity in a new light. She notices and even senses emotion now. (I'm working on my negative emotions (disappointment, anger, frustration, worry, etc...) so that they don't affect her negatively.) She's sweet and caring towards all animals and bugs and babies. She is constantly showering me and daddy with compliments and affirmations like, "I lub you so much!" "You're da best eva!" "Das my fabrite." "I sit by you mama?" "Can I come too?" "Can I help you?" I notice that she often will share her toys with me or bring me a fruit snack if she is getting herself one too. Sweet little things. She loves pink, princesses, jewelry, and dresses. She'd probably wear her Easter dress every day of the week if I let her. Sweet and delicate...
It's been fun watching all the growing and changing around here. I can't wait until it's even warmer and we can be outside almost every day. Looking forward to our time in FL in April where we will have lots of outside time too.
Cora's determination never ceases to amaze me. Often time she gets a "plan" in her head of what she wants to accomplish and does everything in her power to carry it out. For example, she wanted the tarp off of her playground in our backyard and managed to get half of it off herself. The only thing she was unable to do is LIFT the playground and UNTIE the ropes, she did manage to pull the loose parts free and made it much easier for me. She worked on this for about 15 minutes, which is a long time for an ACTIVE 2 year old to do anything. It was such a small moment, but I felt like it was a glimpse of a future driven Cora doing everything she could to accomplish her goals. With determination, though, comes a strong will at times...determined to have her way. I relate to her SO much in this way. This part of Cora is something I see in myself... Something I still struggle with. So with Cora, I think it will be a balance of letting her make and carry out her goals while obeying Mom and Dad (and Jesus).
Finally, I'm seeing a sweet and delicate side of Cora that is all girl and so much fun. Cora has always been sensitive, but usually if she felt embarrassed or if she got in trouble. Now I am seeing her sensitivity in a new light. She notices and even senses emotion now. (I'm working on my negative emotions (disappointment, anger, frustration, worry, etc...) so that they don't affect her negatively.) She's sweet and caring towards all animals and bugs and babies. She is constantly showering me and daddy with compliments and affirmations like, "I lub you so much!" "You're da best eva!" "Das my fabrite." "I sit by you mama?" "Can I come too?" "Can I help you?" I notice that she often will share her toys with me or bring me a fruit snack if she is getting herself one too. Sweet little things. She loves pink, princesses, jewelry, and dresses. She'd probably wear her Easter dress every day of the week if I let her. Sweet and delicate...
It's been fun watching all the growing and changing around here. I can't wait until it's even warmer and we can be outside almost every day. Looking forward to our time in FL in April where we will have lots of outside time too.
Monday, March 7, 2016
Progress
Time for an update! I'm excited to say that our master bedroom and master bathroom are now painted. It took around 2 weeks to tape and paint and I'm really happy with the results. Now over time, we will buy some curtains and bedding. There isn't a rush for those things. I'm just happy I could get the painting done before the weather gets nice and all I want to do is be outside. :)
I'm happy to report that I've still been meeting my new year goals. I'm working on reading 3 different books right now. When I finish, I will write a book summary on each of those books. My goal has been to read 2-3 new books per month. So far I've met that goal for the past 3 months.
I've also been getting up early 5-6 days a week. Right now, 6:00 is the earliest I get up and I usually sleep in on Saturday and Sunday. This time has become a luxury and I look forward to it every day (even if it's hard to get out of bed some days).
I've been keeping up with tidying well. The only thing I have left to do is the pantry, but I need some bins from IKEA to help me do that. I haven't had the chance to get up there recently so I will just wait to do that.
I've added working out to my goals. I felt like once I could be disciplined with a few different things, I could add another thing in the mix. I started with Jillian Michaels 30 day Shred. It lives up to it's name-it shredding me. (UGH). Right now I've been getting in 4-5 days a week. Any more days than that and I get too exhausted and tired.
I'm trying to BE in bed by 10:30 every night. It's not easy, but most nights I am meeting that goal. It makes getting up in the morning much easier.
I've been trying to find times to implement reading with Cora and finding times to talk about Jesus with her. I've been using casual moments here and there to chat with her about it. Today she asked to bring her Bible to Bible study with us. It melted my heart. I found her a bag that looked like mine and we put her Bible in there with it. Although she doesn't use it for her class, I thought it was sweet she wanted to bring it. I think we will make that a habit. :)
I haven't blogged much recently, but I feel like I am doing it enough to keep track of what I am learning from my reading and also just my thoughts on life. I need to start keeping a notepad handy, though, so that when I get an idea of something I want to blog about, I can remember it later.
The one goal I think I can be better about is giving more. I haven't kept up well with writing cards to other people. I ran out of stamps and I let it become an excuse to not write them. I also feel like I could be giving more in other ways, but I think I will pray this week for ways that I can do that for other people.
This isn't an interesting post. It's just accountability for me to reevaluate my New Years goals and make sure that I am accomplishing what I set out to do this year. :)
I'm happy to report that I've still been meeting my new year goals. I'm working on reading 3 different books right now. When I finish, I will write a book summary on each of those books. My goal has been to read 2-3 new books per month. So far I've met that goal for the past 3 months.
I've also been getting up early 5-6 days a week. Right now, 6:00 is the earliest I get up and I usually sleep in on Saturday and Sunday. This time has become a luxury and I look forward to it every day (even if it's hard to get out of bed some days).
I've been keeping up with tidying well. The only thing I have left to do is the pantry, but I need some bins from IKEA to help me do that. I haven't had the chance to get up there recently so I will just wait to do that.
I've added working out to my goals. I felt like once I could be disciplined with a few different things, I could add another thing in the mix. I started with Jillian Michaels 30 day Shred. It lives up to it's name-it shredding me. (UGH). Right now I've been getting in 4-5 days a week. Any more days than that and I get too exhausted and tired.
I'm trying to BE in bed by 10:30 every night. It's not easy, but most nights I am meeting that goal. It makes getting up in the morning much easier.
I've been trying to find times to implement reading with Cora and finding times to talk about Jesus with her. I've been using casual moments here and there to chat with her about it. Today she asked to bring her Bible to Bible study with us. It melted my heart. I found her a bag that looked like mine and we put her Bible in there with it. Although she doesn't use it for her class, I thought it was sweet she wanted to bring it. I think we will make that a habit. :)
I haven't blogged much recently, but I feel like I am doing it enough to keep track of what I am learning from my reading and also just my thoughts on life. I need to start keeping a notepad handy, though, so that when I get an idea of something I want to blog about, I can remember it later.
The one goal I think I can be better about is giving more. I haven't kept up well with writing cards to other people. I ran out of stamps and I let it become an excuse to not write them. I also feel like I could be giving more in other ways, but I think I will pray this week for ways that I can do that for other people.
This isn't an interesting post. It's just accountability for me to reevaluate my New Years goals and make sure that I am accomplishing what I set out to do this year. :)
Sunday, February 21, 2016
A year later...
Today marks a year since I popped Phil a big question on our date at Bonefish. "Are you ready to start trying to have another baby?" This felt like a much bigger deal than when we decided to start trying with our first (Cora). Phil and I never had a formal talk and we were really laid back about it. We wouldn't try and we wouldn't prevent. A month later, Cora was conceived. It happened fast and before we knew it, we had the most perfect baby girl. We never knew we could love anyone so much. Being pregnant, Cora's BIRTH day, and family memories together are some of my happiest memories to date. I have LOVED every second of being a Mom (even the difficult moments have been very fulfilling).
Well, back to our date at Bonefish... We chatted and decided that we were both ready to try and have another baby and felt like it was a good choice. We were happy and excited. Nothing was wrong with this situation. But, this is where I spiraled. In my mind, I began to proceed to figure out which month would be best to give birth to a baby in Michigan... because a baby in the winter? What if it snows? What would I do for a nursery this time? What names would sound cute with Cora? I started planning. Again, nothing wrong with this situation, but, looking back, I see it differently.
Why do I see it differently? A year later, we don't have another baby, and one baby we never met is in heaven. God has used the waiting and the loss to show me why my feelings and the way I've been thinking has been wrong since the second I popped the question.
First, God showed me that babies happen in his timing. Planning what month to have a baby in just seems crazy to me now. I'm embarrassed to even admit that I thought that, but I'm being real. Now, I'd be happy to have a baby in rain, snow, or shine. I have confidence that whatever the weather would be, it would be okay because God is in control. The baby will happen in His timing.
Second, God has allowed me to experience a SMALL taste of what many women have gone through. I have friends and family who have had multiple miscarriages and struggled with infertility for YEARS. Waiting one year and going through a miscarriage has helped me to understand these feelings in a small way. Cora has always been a blessing, but now I see her quick conception, safe birth, and current health in a completely different way. I'm thankful God has allowed me to be blessed by her all over again in a new way.
Third, God helped me to stop focusing on what I didn't have and allowed me to start focusing on what I did have. A wonderful husband, healthy daughter, loving family and friends, amazing church, my salvation, etc...
Finally, during the miscarriage, God brought a verse to me and the Lord used it to begin a chain reaction in the way I've been thinking and feeling.
Psalm 43:3
Send out your light and your truth; let them guide me. Let them lead me to your holy hill and to your dwelling! Then I will go to the altar of God, to God my exceeding joy, and I will praise you with the lyre, O God, my God."
Well, back to our date at Bonefish... We chatted and decided that we were both ready to try and have another baby and felt like it was a good choice. We were happy and excited. Nothing was wrong with this situation. But, this is where I spiraled. In my mind, I began to proceed to figure out which month would be best to give birth to a baby in Michigan... because a baby in the winter? What if it snows? What would I do for a nursery this time? What names would sound cute with Cora? I started planning. Again, nothing wrong with this situation, but, looking back, I see it differently.
Why do I see it differently? A year later, we don't have another baby, and one baby we never met is in heaven. God has used the waiting and the loss to show me why my feelings and the way I've been thinking has been wrong since the second I popped the question.
First, God showed me that babies happen in his timing. Planning what month to have a baby in just seems crazy to me now. I'm embarrassed to even admit that I thought that, but I'm being real. Now, I'd be happy to have a baby in rain, snow, or shine. I have confidence that whatever the weather would be, it would be okay because God is in control. The baby will happen in His timing.
Second, God has allowed me to experience a SMALL taste of what many women have gone through. I have friends and family who have had multiple miscarriages and struggled with infertility for YEARS. Waiting one year and going through a miscarriage has helped me to understand these feelings in a small way. Cora has always been a blessing, but now I see her quick conception, safe birth, and current health in a completely different way. I'm thankful God has allowed me to be blessed by her all over again in a new way.
Third, God helped me to stop focusing on what I didn't have and allowed me to start focusing on what I did have. A wonderful husband, healthy daughter, loving family and friends, amazing church, my salvation, etc...
Finally, during the miscarriage, God brought a verse to me and the Lord used it to begin a chain reaction in the way I've been thinking and feeling.
Psalm 43:3
Send out your light and your truth; let them guide me. Let them lead me to your holy hill and to your dwelling! Then I will go to the altar of God, to God my exceeding joy, and I will praise you with the lyre, O God, my God."
I read that verse in my Bible Study called The Wisdom of God by Nancy Guthrie. She explains it this way,
"But he [the Psalmist] knows his feelings are not telling him the truth, so he asks God to break through his emotions so he can embrace the truth."
This is when it hit me. My feelings had not been telling me the truth for months. I hadn't even recognized it. I had let wanting to have a baby and anxiety about many other things consume my mind and feelings, and I hadn't even recognized that. The thought terrified me. This verse was such a healing balm during that time, that it brought me a real peace, because I had hope that the feelings I was experiencing, could be replaced with the feelings of Christ.
Then came the next verse,
Psalm 51:6
"Behold, you delight in truth in the inward being, and you teach me wisdom in the secret heart."
This verse came from my Bible Study too. (The Wisdom of God by Nancy Guthrie) She says,
"David wants truth from God to replace the lies he's listened to and the wisdom from God to replace the foolishness that he has tolerated."
This verse went deeper. Not only were my feelings not telling me the truth, my thoughts weren't either. I need Christ in every fiber of my being. Again, I was terrified that I hadn't recognized this. This verse gave me peace too, because I had hope that the thoughts I was thinking, could be replaced with the thoughts of Christ.
These verses have been constantly playing in my mind for weeks now. This year looks a lot different than what I thought it would be a year ago, but it sure is a lot better than I could have ever planned it. This year, I have a calm realization that my feelings and thoughts are not best, and that God's feelings and thoughts are best and exactly what I need. God is not pacing around, unaware of any situation. He is seated, powerful and sovereign, working out all things for our good. I don't need to try and take control and make things happen and get frustrated when they don't work out. His plan is so much better.
Psalm 2:4a. says, "He who sits in the heavens laughs..."
Nancy Guthrie says, "...the next voice we hear speaking in the Psalms is the voice of God, who is seated in serenity, unperturbed, confident, enthroned in heaven."
So, finally, I end with this thought from Changed into His Image by Jim Berg,
"The toxicity of this heart is so potent that when God wants to judge a man, all He has to do is turn that man over to his own heart. What a frightening thought! You and I have enough evil residing in us that if God were to let us have our own way, we would destroy ourselves. Rather than demanding our own way, we ought to be begging God never to let us have what our flesh demands. We ought to pray, 'Dear God, limit me, bind me, restrict me. Do whatever you have to, but please don't let me have my own way.'"
Friday, February 12, 2016
Book Review: Lizzy and Jane
I laugh, because I went straight to Lizzy and Jane by Katherine Reay after I read The Hardest Peace thinking, "Surely this can't be any more sad than the last book." The irony is that Lizzy and Jane is about relationships and particularly one between two sisters, one of which has cancer. Although this story was fictional and not as raw and real as The Hardest Peace, it still pulled at my heart strings. I enjoyed it though, and I felt like reading The Hardest Peace before this book gave me a better understanding what Jane (the sister with cancer) was experiencing. This book was similar to Dear Mr. Knightly, because the main character, a NYC chef named Elizabeth ie. Lizzy, figures out shes been hiding her pain and loneliness in her career. Her Mom dies of cancer when she's young, her Dad can't handle it so he disappears from Lizzy mentally, and her sister (Jane) deserts her when her mom gets sick. The irony is she runs away from her problems loneliness in her hometown Seattle to NYC where she opens her restaurant, Feast, and discovers that not only is she lonely still, she feels no purpose in her life. Her food lacks quality and creativity and she's distant from everyone in her life. Her sister, Jane, is diagnosed with cancer and she is rocked. This is the situation with her mom all over again. Although she doesn't really have a relationship with her sister, she can't come to terms with losing another person. She leaves NYC for a short term trip to take care of her sister and her sister's family and finds purpose again. Through taking care of others, she forgets about herself and sees how she's been searching for the wrong things. It has a Christian perspective, but it is an undertone. The ending is really happy, so I enjoyed that too.
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